5 Questions To Ask First

In modern dating, moving in together is often seen as the natural next step before marriage. Before the ring, we first want to try the house key. According to the US Census, more young adults than ever are choosing to move in together, more than any previous generation.

But, let’s be honest—when’s the last time survey statistics motivated us to do anything? Couples find cohabitation appealing on a number of practical levels. Of course, there’s the financial convenience: The prospect of splitting rent and utility bills sounds awesome. Or maybe the motivation is eventually marriage, so why sign another pricey lease or delay the inevitable. Add in a desire to upgrade from messy roommates to one you can have sex with, and you can see why plenty of couples take the plunge; after all, it’s “not that big of a deal.”

Those are fair, reasonable, even logical reasons to move in together. But I think there are other questions we need to ask ourselves. I know this is a sensitive subject for many people, so my prayer is to gently and graciously provide some questions to think through and an alternative to what has become common in our culture.

Start With The Obvious
Let’s be real—living together usually means you’re having sex. There are, in general, two contexts for premarital sex. There is “casual, hookup sex” and there’s the “we love each other and are committed to each other, but just aren’t married.”

If you’re reading this article and are living with your significant other, you’re probably closer to that second camp. You’re likely thinking, “This is different, this is serious,” or maybe even, “I know we’re gonna get married, so why does it matter?”

As followers of Jesus, we can’t just stop at what seems good in our minds or even what seems practical. We must ask what is God’s opinion on the subject. If you’re not following Jesus yet, my prayer is that you would see the beauty of God’s design.

The biblical view of sex is vastly different from culture, but it is one of the most attractive things about Christianity. Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure…" 

A helpful analogy is a fire in a fireplace. Sex is like a fire and marriage like a fireplace. When the fire is within the boundaries of the fireplace, it is a great thing—it provides warmth, light, and heat for the whole house. Fire is a really good gift. But when that fire goes outside of the fireplace, it is devastating—it can literally burn the whole house down. 

So when two unmarried people engage in sex, essentially they are misusing God’s good gift. It's like using your iPhone as a doorstop. Yeah sure, it can hold the door open, but that’s not what it was designed for. Not only will it get scratched and damaged, but it’s not being used as it was designed, or even for its full purpose. When we take sex outside of the covenant of marriage, it is always harmful.

Sex creates a bond between two people. It’s deeper than just the physical. That makes perfect sense if it is designed for marriage, where you’re fully committed to staying together. But if you're just living together, you have no true commitment. As Tim Keller says, “When you’re living with someone who could walk away at any moment, you are constantly in the marketing and promotion phase. You have to be. You can’t truly be vulnerable.” Sadly, some couples will only ever “have sex,” because they will miss out on the fullness of what God has designed!

Won’t This Help Us Know If We Should Get Married?
Most people believe that living together should improve marital success—that by living together before marriage, you can see for certain what you’re getting into and test compatibility. That line of reasoning sounds persuasive, but it has one major flaw: It doesn’t work out that way.

Multiple studies show higher divorce rates among couples who cohabitate. More unfaithfulness happens in cohabitation than in legal marriages. And if you view living together as a test for marriage, in a way, you are treating marriage as a consumer product—as though people are like cars you can test drive and pick which features you like the best. That leads to a lot of pain and damage because people are not products or commodities; they are human beings.

Marriage doesn’t work because you are good roommates who split rent; marriage works because of genuine commitment and self-sacrifice. That is what covenant marriage is all about—that is what you are promising in your vows.

What If We’re Already Engaged?
What about, “We’re getting married in a couple weeks/months, and we don’t want to start another lease?” Well, then just go ahead and get married (1 Cor 7:9).

God doesn’t command you to have a big wedding that takes months/years to plan. He does, however, want you to experience intimacy inside of marriage. If you are going to compromise somewhere, compromise on the one-time party that lasts just a few hours.

Either you’re ready to get married, or you’re not. If you are, get married. If you’re not, the last thing you should be doing is living together as though you were married. Sex and intimacy are God’s gift to married couples.

What If We’re Not Having Sex?
You are literally training yourself to live with this person and not have sex. So, if or when you do get married, you’ll be really good at living together but not having sex. Who wants that? You weren’t designed to be able to live with the opposite sex you’re attracted to and not be intimate!

More importantly, even if you aren’t having sex, you’re unnecessarily setting yourself up for temptation. It’s like you want the maximum temptation possible, even though your goal is not to give in. “Bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see how that one plays out!”

Lastly, most people will naturally assume that you are having sex. As Christians, we’re called to 

“flee even the appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22) and live without “even a hint of sexual immorality” (Ephesians 5:3). You’re missing out on a chance to witness to a world that desperately needs good examples of how to live wisely and marry well.

We don’t live together—they just stay over at my place occasionally. Is that ok?
As in, “She’s just visiting for the weekend”; “He was in town for an event and needed a place to stay”; “We’re not even sleeping in the same room,” etc. 

Same idea as earlier: You’re not avoiding “the appearance of evil.” And once again, you’re unnecessarily setting yourself up for temptation. You may not do anything sinful, but your freedom may cause others to stumble (1 Cor 8:9). If she does need a place to stay, get her a hotel room, or give her your house for the weekend while you stay with your buddies, etc. No matter which way you spin it, it’s just not a good idea, so don’t look for loopholes.

God Redeems
If you are living together, you’re not doomed—not by a long shot! God’s love isn’t dependent on your actions or behavior. A new path of purity can begin today, despite our past. As Paul encourages us, "It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust…” 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

God wants what’s best for you. If you really can’t afford two separate rents or you don’t know anyone else you could live with, that is a great opportunity for the local church to help. Reach out to me, and we can find ways to help!

God is brilliant and desires good for us. His commands are not only really wise—they are really really loving. Like I said earlier, I know this is a sensitive subject for many, so my prayer is you would honestly think through these questions and provide an alternative to what culture would say is “no big deal.”