Love At First Sight

Qualities to Look for in a Spouse

When it comes to dating, everyone seems to have advice to give you. They say things like, “follow your heart”, “opposites attract”, “love is blind”, “there’s plenty of fish in the sea”, and one that I fell for: “Love at first sight”. 

For me, I thought that’s how it had to happen. I wanted one of those dramatic, made-for-Hollywood stories where I see her from across the room and nudge my friend, “Someday, that’s gonna be my wife”.

Lame, I know.

“Love at first sight” is one we’ve all heard, but that infatuation you feel, that desire, is more like “lust at first sight.” I mean you’re literally seeing a person for the first time, what else could you be falling in love with? 

The better dating advice is…Know what to look for.

The Bible doesn’t talk about “dating”. And that’s not surprising, because “dating” is a relatively new thing, just over the last 120 years or so (we’ve been driving cars longer than we’ve been dating!) But the Bible does have a lot to say about romance, sex, marriage, how to treat people, and about the type of person not only you should be but who you should be looking for.

Aside from choosing to follow Jesus, deciding who you will marry is one of the most important decisions you’ll make. You’re choosing the person who you will spend the most time with. 

But what exactly are you looking for? All your mom’s friends keep saying “You’ll just know when you know.” Thanks Kathy! Real helpful.

What’s On Your List?
A couple of months ago I was going to Kroger to get groceries. Now normally I’m not a great grocery shopper. I write a few things down but I kinda just wing it. I go in to get 2 things and I come out 2 hours later with a cart full of stuff. But this time was different, because my wife introduced me to the Kroger App. You might not know this, so free life hack here. You can make your list on the app, text it to yourself, and it will tell you aisle-by-aisle where to go! So now I’m in there Krogering like a boss. Crushing it and blowing past all those non-app-using slackers. 

It was effective not simply because it told me where to look, but when I found the item I knew because I knew what I was looking for. 

If I gave you a piece of paper right now and asked you to write out exactly what you want in a future spouse, what would you write? What would be on your list? What are your non-negotiables? 

My advice: You should be looking primarily for two things: Character and Chemistry.

CHARACTER
By character I mean godly character. Are they submitted and committed to Christ? The most important thing about a person is what he or she thinks about God. Because who you think runs the universe informs how you live your life. The Bible would ask it this way: are you equally yoked? 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.” 

So not just do they sit in a church service once a week. Or do they own a Bible, or wear a cross necklace, or have a big tattoo of a Bible verse on their body. As Ben Stuart says in his book, “you can put a bow tie on a turd, but it's still a turd.” You need to look for godly character. In this major life decision you do not want to be asking, “what's the minimum we have to agree on?” Link arms with someone that shares a deep commitment to God. 

Character is the first thing you’re looking for, chemistry is the second.

CHEMISTRY
Chemistry simply means find someone you enjoy hanging out with, someone you enjoy talking to. When you’re married, most of your time together will not be spent having sex! Most of your time will be spent hanging out together. Riding in the car. Eating meals. Sitting on the couch. Serving together. Focus more on companionship. You should be asking: Are they a great friend? Do I enjoy their company?

 Alright, now I know what you’re thinking, Yeah yeah that’s all nice and sweet, but what about physical attraction? How important is that? 

My opinion: physical attraction should be A factor but not THE factor. 

The Bible even talks about people’s physical looks. Look at these descriptions in Song of Solomon, “his eyes sparkle like doves…his arms are like rounded bars of gold” and “she has all her teeth” (5:12,14; 6:6). Which is a big deal here in Kentucky! Being physically attracted is a very good thing, don’t shy away from that. It should be a factor.

But our culture elevates it to the #1 thing. The only question we wanna know is, are they hot? Here’s the thing though, those good looks are guaranteed to fade. Proverbs 31:30 warns us “charm is deceptive and beauty does not last”. Physical attractiveness is a depreciating asset, you don’t want to invest there. And charm is deceitful. Anybody can be charming for an hour over dinner, that’s easy. 

Instead, focus your heart on what really matters. 1 Peter 3:3-4 “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

Attraction matters, but the million-dollar question is, what are you attracted to? Are you attracted to Godly character and qualities, or are you just attracted to their body? Ask God to help you be attracted to the things that He values.

Bottom line: Godliness is attractive to godly people.

What To Do Next? 
Here’s a list we made of 10 qualities to look for. These represent things that God says you should be looking for and questions to help you find that out.

Strive to develop these qualities yourself. Look for someone with these qualities. Of course, no one is going to be perfect—but choose someone who is striving to be like Jesus. And you’re not going to be able to see all these qualities “at first sight”. It takes time. It takes community to see what you’re not.

My concern though is that many of you are nervous about whether or not God will provide someone to marry. You will be tempted to drop your standards or to go back to the cycle of dating all the wrong people just to feel wanted.

Many of us can trust God with a lot of stuff, but when it comes to marriage we’re scared to death he's going to do something terrible to us. He’s going to make you marry second best, or worse, never get married!

So talk with Him about your dating. Maybe your prayer is: “God, I’m so frustrated being single, I don’t understand what you’re doing or you’re timing. But I want to trust you” Or maybe your prayer is: “God I’ve really made a mess of things trying to do it my way, will you forgive me and help me?” Ask Him to make you attracted to the right things. Wherever you’re at, don't be a believer who doesn't believe God will care for you. You've trusted God with your eternity, you can trust him with your love life.

Evan Wehrle
Young Adults Pastor