Table for One

Five Confessions of a (Former) Lifelong Bachelor

I enjoyed being single.

Let me rephrase: I enjoyed being single a little too much.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t some womanizing, bar-hopping scumbag, whose pickup lines constantly landed him with drinks thrown in his face. Nor was I a smooth, charming, mysterious drifter, with a vintage motorcycle and women practically throwing themselves at him.

I was somewhere between those Johnny Bravo and James Dean-esque caricatures I just described.

And even though I’m frankly not brave enough to go into all the juicy details (they really weren’t that exciting), I am willing to share my biggest wins and regrets of my bachelor years—and my biggest hopes for any of you who are living the single life.

#1. I Dated A Lot — This one isn’t necessarily good or bad, but it is a little embarrassing how many first, second and third dates I went on. While I’m grateful for the experience it gave me in evaluating potential spouses, there were a lot of dates I probably shouldn’t have gone on in the first place. Oftentimes, I would ask a girl out for her looks or because I felt like she was interested. I can’t tell you how many times I took a girl to dinner only to find out she wasn’t even a Christian, had zero personality, or wanted something totally different—all things you can almost always learn before you ask a girl out. 

Is it wrong to go on lots of dates? Not necessarily. But avoid wasting your time on girls/guys who can’t even check the Jesus box. The Bible is actually really specific about this. The Apostle Paul tells us, Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever? 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 NLT That might sound harsh, but Paul understands that without Jesus as the foundation, any relationship will crumble.

#2. I Got Lonely — There were plenty of times I battled loneliness throughout my singleness. By my mid-twenties, most of my friends were already married and having kids. Even though I loved being the “fun uncle”, I was often envious of what they had. Cooking, traveling and other activities are a lot more fun to do when you’re with someone. However, that season did teach me that I was truly never alone with God. 

Whether or not we realize it, God is always with us, and actually enjoys spending time with us. Isn’t that crazy? The Creator of the universe wants to hang out with YOU. David writes in Psalm 139, I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night— but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.

Even in our darkest moments, God is with us. On the loneliest of days, His love is right beside us.  

#3. I Lived Alone, But Not in Isolation — These are actually two very different things. I know plenty of young adult guys who’ve piled into frat houses with thirteen of their closest bros (or ones they barely even know), but honestly it just wasn’t for me. I’ve lived alone for pretty much my entire adult life, and have enjoyed it. 

The advantage of living on your own is that it teaches you to be independent. You can’t rely on mom to fold your laundry, and those dishes won’t do themselves. However, if we aren’t careful, this independence can cause us to become isolated from other people. ALL of us need community. 

Hebrews chapter 10 highlights the importance of this when it says, Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another…(Hebrews 10:24-25 NLT)

Another example of this is Jesus himself, arguably the only person who ever lived that didn’t necessarily need friends—and yet even he chose to have them. 

I’ve been blessed with incredible friendships throughout my twenties, and have rarely spent my weekends all alone. In fact, while living in Nashville, my best friend and his wife invited me over to their house every Friday night for pizza. To this day, some of the best memories of my young adult years were made around their kitchen table. So my advice?: When a married couple invites you over for dinner, GO. Not only will you get a free meal, you’ll also get the chance to observe what a Godly marriage looks like. 

#4. I’ve Become Set in My Ways — I already feel old even saying this, but it’s true. While years of having my own place have certainly helped me become house-trained, this old dog struggles to learn new tricks! 

If there’s been one disadvantage of being on my own for so long, it’s that I’ve gotten used to my life being mostly about me. As an older mentor of mine recently said, “You won’t realize how selfish you really are until you get married.”

Paul puts it a different way when he says, I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:32-34 NLT)

Even though living with my new bride in a couple of months will be a huge adjustment for both of us, I’m looking forward to all the arguments about the toothpaste cap being off, or where the silverware drawer should go—no matter how stupid they’ll be. But I’m also looking forward to learning how we can not only serve the Lord, but serve one another.

#5. I Got Really Close to Jesus — I’ll admit, this wasn’t always the case, especially throughout my early twenties. I made tons of mistakes and crossed so many boundaries. But God never stopped pursuing me, and if I could offer any advice when it comes to dating, singleness, or living the bachelor (or bachelorette) life, it would be to never stop pursuing Him.

It’s easy to spend our 20’s doing whatever we want—being recklessly sinful, resentful of others who have found love, or chasing after everything we think we need. (I’ve been guilty of ALL of these, by the way.) But the reality is, when we chase after Jesus, we’ll find everything we’ve ever needed and more. His qualities are the qualities we should date. I wish I would’ve learned this sooner. 

It wasn’t until I began serving in a local church that I found the types of girls that reminded me of Him. The first time I met Hannah, we were both volunteering at Southland. While I can’t recall every detail about our first conversation, what I remember was how good it felt just being with her. It was a similar feeling I got whenever I spent time with the Lord. Looking back, what attracted me to her the most wasn’t her smile, or her beautiful, curly hair (which I love)—it was that she reminded me of Jesus.

End of an Era
One of my good friends got married last year, and when someone asked what the biggest adjustment had been, he replied, “She won’t let me use my TV trays in the living room.” We all died laughing.

Even though there may be a few things I’ll miss about my bachelor years, I’m really excited for this new season of marriage.

So whether you’re single as a Pringle or getting ready to tie the knot next month, God has a special plan for your life—and it’s to spend it with Him.

Connor Hall
High School Pastor - Lexington