Born in a Barn: Jesus’ Messy Friends — Friday
Deuteronomy 31:8
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (NIV)
I had planned a very different devotional for today, but this is where I find myself. I wrote a series of devos earlier this year on prayer, and I used my wife’s cancer journey as a backdrop. At the time of those devos, she had “no evidence of disease.” And in my mind, that meant “cancer-free.” Well, the cancer returned and spread to her liver. She passed away on October 17 at 2:10 in the afternoon. Now before we go any further, please don’t send gift cards or offer to set up a meal train. As much as I appreciate that, I have a vast group of family, friends, and coworkers who are taking very good care of me. What I need you to know is that I have regrets.
I regret not letting go of strongholds early in our relationship. I regret not always leading well in our family. I regret trying to fix her instead of listening to her. I regret not being completely present during important moments (or even unimportant ones). I regret getting annoyed when she would interrupt me at work just to check in, and getting off the phone too quickly (I wish she would call me today). I regret not playing cards with her more when she was in the hospital. I regret not taking more naps with her when she was in bed not feeling well. I regret not being a stronger advocate for her.
What I’m experiencing is not unusual. It’s called grief. We all feel it during the loss of someone so important. I’m having trouble praying and reading the Word. I’m trying not to blame God, but feelings of “He could have helped more” have a tendency to creep in. I feel broken—I’m not, but I feel it. I am one of God’s messy friends.
This is where Jesus steps in. He reminds me that He promised to never leave me or forsake me. He reminds me that the quality of my marriage is not based on the sum of my regrets but on the power of His grace. He shows me that my marriage was a miracle from the Father, and He shows me the impact Amy and our family have had through Him. And He reminds me that this world is not the end, and I will indeed see her again. This is the hope I hold on to.
Friday’s Reflection
This Christmas, love more deeply, give joyfully, be quicker to forgive, and hold on to the ones you love a little tighter. And if you are missing someone this season, just know that Jesus is there with you, holding you together.