How Do I Know If I Should Leave My Church?

Understanding the Relationship between Young Adults and the Church

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

In 1982, the illustrious British rock band The Clash released a punk-rock single entitled “Should I Stay or Should I Go.” In the decades that followed, the song grew in popularity, eventually leading Rolling Stones Magazine to list it as one of the Top 500 Greatest Songs of All Time. “Should I stay or should I go?” is the mysterious question that the singer ponders throughout the catchy tune. It’s a question that many of us have undoubtedly asked ourselves about a rocky relationship, a job we had high hopes for, or a video meeting in which the other party still hasn’t shown up. Should I stay or should I keep staring at myself in this webcam? Who knows…

It’s also a question that captures the attention of many young adult church-goers in America today. Should I stay at my church or should I go? It’s one I’ve admittedly pondered myself. At times, it has felt easier to leave my church and seek to be a part of a local body elsewhere, and at times, it has felt more important to stay and weather the storm. I imagine that this has been the case for many a church-goer, and if it hasn’t yet been for you, based on my conversations with more mature followers of Jesus, it will be one day. 

When it comes to church, if we are to see clearly what God’s desire is for our lives, then we’ll need to draw on more than just what we experience on Sunday morning. We’ll need more than just the feelings of frustration that can overwhelm us when confronted with the issues of “church” in today’s world. We’ll need what Paul and so many others in the early church had—a sense of community with and commitment to the body and bride of Christ.

THE BODY AND THE BRIDE

Scripture uses two repeating images to describe the relationship between God and His people or God and His Church. The first is a “body of believers” (1 Corinthians 12:1-31, Romans 12:4-9, Ephesians 4:2-16), and the second is the “bride of Christ.” The “body of believers'' speaks to the communal aspect of church and runs throughout most of the New Testament. It’s not that we need to “be around” other Christians to be a mature follower of Jesus—it’s that we have been knit together, made into one body as followers of Jesus. The “bride of Christ” is an image that is painted all throughout the continuous story of scripture and speaks to the commitment side of our relationship with the church. It is, perhaps, the image that we need to recover as young adults today.

In the Old Testament, numerous prophets describe the relationship between Israel and God as a marriage (spoiler alert: it was not a healthy one).

“If a man divorces his wife and she leaves him and marries another man, should he return to her again? Would not the land be completely defiled? But you have lived as a prostitute with many lovers — would you now return to me?” declares the Lord. (Jeremiah 3:1 NIV)

Those are the Lord’s words through the prophet Jeremiah, and if you look elsewhere in the Old Testament, the relationship doesn’t get much prettier. The marriage has not gone well. The people are like a runaway bride, not living up to the covenant commitment that they made with God. Yet, the picture that scripture paints is of a God who keeps taking us back. 

And then Jesus comes along to set up a different kind of marriage between God and His people. This time, the marriage is not between God and a chosen ethnic group, but between Jesus and every believer here on earth—between Jesus and His Church. Here’s how Paul describes it:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. (Ephesians 5:25-27 NIV)

A new, holy marriage is born out of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. We belong to Him, and He to us. And so the Church was born, and from Acts 2 onward, we see Jesus’ Church, His holy and blameless Church, as the primary vehicle by which God carries out His plan to redeem and save creation. This path of scripture forces us to now engage with some painful truths.

PICK ONE AND STAY

My wife grew up in Lexington, and for basically the entirety of her adult life, she has not lived further than 5 minutes from a Ramsey’s restaurant. It’s where her family grew up eating almost every week. So, when my wife and I have friends in from out of town, we almost always take them to Ramsey’s. It’s the place that feels true and authentic to home. Ultimately, my wife wants them to love Ramsey’s as much as she does (if that’s even possible).

The same is true for Jesus. Pastor and Author Tyler Staton puts it this way: “There is no version of being with Jesus that doesn’t involve being with others.” If we are truly for Jesus and truly committed to His Kingdom, then we must be truly committed to His Church. Jesus wants us to love His Bride as much as we love Him, and as badly as we may want, you cannot have one without the other. Is it possible that our generation sees the church more as a restaurant to be reviewed than a bride to be loved?

But what if I’m struggling to deepen my relationship with Christ at my church? What if it isn’t the right fit for me? What if I’d prefer they did things differently? These are perhaps the more common questions facing young adults today. They’re questions that still surface in my head at times. 

The late Eugene Peterson was a pastor and author who led the effort to create The Message translation of the Bible. He was known for his poetic language and nuanced perspective, but when asked to provide his opinion on “how to find the right church,” Peterson simply replied, “Pick one and stay.” 

Picking one is often easier said than done. But then again, the way of Jesus is that of a road less traveled. Denying ourselves and picking up our cross, difficult and tiresome as they may be, are the practices that form us to be like Jesus. The research group Barna surveyed church-going Christians in 2020 (pre-COVID) and found that 38% of them reported regularly attending 2 or more churches. Presumably, we “double dip” because we don’t feel like we’re “getting everything we need” from just one place. Like a You Pick Two at Panera, we order up one church for their worship and teaching and pair that with another church because we actually feel known there. Put simply, we cheat on the church. We are unfaithful to the local body to which God called us.

If picking one is difficult, then staying may as well seem impossible. I recently sat with a Sunday school class at my church that’s been meeting weekly for over 30 years. It’s made up of some of the most consistent and faithful adults in our congregation. But if you’re picturing a soft-spoken, submissive group of elderly folk, then you couldn’t be further from the truth. They’re as opinionated as most of the young adults I’ve met. But they’re still here—and they’re not going anywhere anytime soon. They’ve stayed. Their favorite songs have been marked as too old to sing today, their favorite programs have been canned in the name of keeping up with the times, the pastors they loved have left, the people they’ve known have moved and changed, but they’ve stayed. And they have found community and blessing from God because of that. Imagine that kind of faithfulness amongst young adults today.

I have spoken to many young adults who feel they are coming up short in their relationship with Jesus. They don’t feel known like Jesus describes, or see the transformation written about in Romans, or have the community described in the early church. They trust and believe in Jesus, but it feels more like they’ve been sold a bill of goods, not ushered into a new Kingdom life. I’m afraid that we may be missing a big piece of the puzzle.

“Pick up your cross” (Luke 9:23), “die to self” (Mark 8:35), “become less than” (John 3:30)—these are the repeated instructions of Jesus. The life Jesus calls us to is what Eugene Peterson calls “a long obedience in the same direction.” It’s an obedience that would force us to give up our preferences and choose to love a church regardless of how we feel. It sounds more like a marriage than it does a gym membership. But in my very limited experience, I’ve found marriage to be much more transformational than any gym membership I’ve ever had.

So what if we could recover the kind of view of church that the first followers of Jesus had? What if we could see the bride of Christ in all of her beauty and radiance as Paul describes?

‘TIL DEATH DO US PART

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ‘til death do us part. Those are the words that my wife and I spoke to each other when we took the traditional vows at our wedding.

As I’ve prayed and studied and listened, I’ve begun to see my relationship with church less like that of a consumer and company, and more like a marriage. There are weeks I feel a deep love and appreciation for my local church. And then there are weeks that I feel a great sense of frustration and disappointment. But Jesus has called me to an allegiance that is beyond any temporary feelings. As backwards as it may seem today, the purpose of my commitment is not to restrain me, but to give me the freedom to experience the fullness of Jesus’ love for His Church and for me.

Like any marriage, when it comes to church, there are healthy reasons to leave. Abuse of power, abandonment of the gospel, and moving to a new place are all good reasons to commit to a new local church. But, for most of us, I think there are more healthy reasons to pick one and stay—to commit to a local body of believers and be knit together with them so that God can use us to carry out His great plan for creation.

As discouraging as it may seem at times, I am hopeful for the future of the global Church. But I am also hopeful for the future of my local church. Not necessarily because of anything that I have seen or experienced, but because I take Jesus at His word when He says, “I will build my church, and the powers of hell will not prevail against it” (Matthew 16:18). 

If you’re struggling to find a church home, take Jesus at His word. As hard as it may be, pick one. Stay. And continue to pray the same prayer that Paul and the earliest followers of Jesus prayed: “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen” (Ephesians 3:20-21 NIV).

Peter Sohn

Middle School Pastor