My Proposal

Jan 2

An Unpopular Take On Weddings

Last week, I got down on one knee, looked at the love of my life, and, right before placing her engagement ring on the wrong hand (real smooth), finally popped the question.

That’s right, folks…I got engaged.

After she said yes, Hannah and I did what newly-engaged couples do: smiled, hugged, kissed and celebrated. “WE’RE ENGAGED,” we giggled like a couple of kids. Neither of us had any idea what to do next, but we didn’t seem to care.

We just enjoyed the moment, and each other.

Five minutes later, we ran into some people we knew. They were ecstatic. “So, when’s the wedding?” one of them asked.

We looked at each other, totally clueless. Sorry we weren’t able to figure that out in the last thirty seconds!

They didn’t mean any harm by it, and weren’t the only ones to ask. In fact, two days later, dozens of others got even more specific:

Have you set a date yet? Where are you thinking of having it? Hannah, what kind of dress do you want? Have you thought about a DJ? How many people?

Hannah and I smiled like politicians, dancing around questions we knew nothing about. “Yes, yes thank you, yes…we are so excited, yes…” The quiet moment we both enjoyed had quickly passed.

There’s no way around it: people love weddings.

Maybe it’s because we find them romantic. Maybe it’s because we enjoy a good party. Maybe they make us nostalgic about our own wedding, or help us look forward to planning one someday.

While I’m not here to suggest that any of these reasons are inherently bad, I would rather quickly argue an unpopular opinion I’ve held long before even meeting my someday bride-to-be. Here goes:

Weddings are not that important.

That may’ve stung for a few of you. But before you beat me over the head with your Pinterest boards (ladies), allow me to explain myself…

Brad and the Bridezilla
“We are so excited!” a young couple beamed sitting across from me at a coffee house. They’d been referred to me by a friend of a friend, and had recently gotten engaged. I was honored they were considering me to officiate their wedding, especially since I’d only done one other ceremony before. After a few minutes of trying to get to know them better, I got down to business.

“So, let’s talk about your vows.” I said, pulling out some paper and a pen.

“Vows?” They looked at me inquisitively.

“Yeah, you know…for your wedding!” I smiled.

“Oh, vows,” the bride answered, “Yeah, we don’t really care. Just whatever!” she shrugged.

I wasn’t sure if she understood. I looked to the groom for help, but he seemed more lost than she was.

“Well…I have a few options for you guys to look at,” I said, sliding a few sample copies across the table. “Traditional, a bit more contemporary…”

“Just whatever you think is best,” she waved me off dismissively. “Brad and I don’t care.” Don’t care? She quickly changed the subject.

“Okay, my question for YOU is—what are you going to wear?” she pointed at me.

‘Uhm…” I didn’t quite know what to say.

“We have a heather gray and light-pink color scheme…” she said, giving me orders. Wait, was I doing their wedding or modeling in it? “Also—can you PLEASE make sure to step out of the way for pictures when it’s time for us to kiss? A friend of mine’s pastor forgot to do that, and it was a disaster!”

Needless to say, our conversation didn’t get much better. A few weeks later, our mutual friend followed-up. “Hey man, why’d you decide not to marry them?”

Simple. They weren’t interested in getting married, they were just interested in having a wedding.

Unfortunately, this way of thinking is more common than we‘d like to admit.

Bad Investments
According to The Knot, the average wedding cost in the United States in 2021 was $28,000. That average was slightly lower for Kentucky ($20,000), but still has a few of us (this groom included) searching frantically for the nearest courthouse.

Although studies indicate less than half of most Americans could afford a $1,000 emergency expense, this clearly hasn’t stopped many couples and families from spending money they probably don’t have on one single day.

“But it’s your wedding day…it’s worth it!”

Is it?

I’m not attempting to shame anyone for what they spend on their wedding (it’s truly none of my business), nor am I suggesting there’s anything wrong with having an elaborate one—knock yourself out! What I am saying is this: our generation invests FAR more into our weddings than we do into our marriages.

According to HealthcareResearchFunding.org, only 44% of couples who get married today will agree to premarital counseling before tying the knot. However, the same study found that there is a 30 percent higher success rate for engaged couples who attend premarital counseling versus those who do not.

Day one of your marriage is important, but it’s tough for me to argue it's the most important day. Your wedding is where you will exchange your vows, but every other day from that point is when you will fulfill them.

And those vows mean something.

What the Bible Has to Say
The Bible offers us plenty of advice on marriage.

In the first few chapters of the Bible, we can very quickly observe that marriage was God’s idea—He came up with it! (Genesis 2:24) The Old Testament Book of Proverbs also tells us that “He who finds a wife finds what is good…” (Proverbs 18:22 NIV, emphasis added)

The Apostle Paul consistently illustrates that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church, and how wives should love them in return (Ephesians 5:25-33). Paul also gives us perhaps the most famous scripture we hear at weddings, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

Jesus is repeatedly described throughout the Bible as the bridegroom (John 3:29, Revelation 21:2), and the Church is illustrated as being his bride. Even Jesus’ first miracle took place at a wedding celebration!

But with all this scripture on marriage, what’s surprising is that the Bible doesn’t have a lot to say about weddings, at least not specifically.

Here’s my point: when all of our attention on the celebration makes us lose sight of what we’re actually celebrating, we haven’t honored God—we’ve only focused on ourselves.

But when we resist the temptation to make our wedding entirely about what we want, and begin to shift our focus towards the amazing gift God has given us, we’ll not only have stronger marriages—I would argue that we’ll have better weddings, too.

Taking My Own Advice
Now that I’ve given this insightful and overly-opinionated review of everything wrong with our wedding-crazed culture today, I realize something important—Hannah and I still have to plan one.

I know the tone of this article may have made it seem like I’m not excited about whatever my wedding will look like, but here’s what I will tell you:

I’m really excited to marry her.

She’s one of the greatest gifts God has given me, and I can’t wait to be her husband. According to the married couples who have poured into us, that’s all that really matters.

“We had a great wedding,” my older brother, Carter, smiled from across the room. He and his wife, Lauren provided Hannah and I with great perspective in the hours after our engagement. I remembered their wedding, and was my brother’s best man. The weather was perfect, the reception was a blast—it’d be hard for anyone to compete with a wedding like theirs.

“It’s a great memory—but it doesn’t hold a candle to the memories we’ve had in our marriage.” He and Lauren shared a smile.

Call me crazy, but that’s far more romantic than any perfect day you’ll see on Instagram.

I wish I could tell you that Hannah and I have gotten every detail figured out in the last few days, but we’re just as lost as any couple preparing to say, “I do”. We just want to glorify God. So, if you’re willing, please say a prayer that we can do that well.

And pray that we can just enjoy the moment, and each other.